Gaia Community: Courtney's Blog

Are you a morning person or a night person?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 02:08:39 GMT

I am most definitely a night person. When given the option, I become nocturnal. Unfortunately school forces me awake during the day for classes and ish. Sometimes I wish I was better during daylight hours, but only because I find it disappointing that everything shuts down at night.

Tags: QaR, morning, night, day, energy, awake, alive, living

Where'd your haircut come from?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 08:33:18 GMT

My haircut is really nothing special. It's relatively long. It's not down to my bum or anything but it makes it midway down my back. The cut is straight without bangs. The only neat bit about my hair is the color. My natural haircolor is a strawberry blonde, but I have a few inches at the end died blood red, which I just love. I'd take a picture, but my webcam never gets color right.

Tags: QaR, hair, stories, appearances, childhood, haircuts

How did you learn to think for yourself?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 09:57:43 GMT

Who says that I am? Who says that I'm not letting this site think for me. Sometimes I think that's why this site is here, to tell you how to think. The whole "think arete" thing in every e-mail gets to me sometimes.

Truly though. I learned to think for myself because I was never given any other option. There was never anyone around to think for me. Even when I'm in classes now I wish I could be self taught. I hate being told what to read, what to study, what to learn. I'd honestly learn more if I was left alone to do it. I love a lot of books, even educational ones, but I would be more inclined to read them if I wasn't forced. I have a test tomorrow. ick. a practical in anatomy. I love my anatomy book. I hate having to study it. I don't learn like that. grr.

This has turned into a rant.
Wish me luck on my test.

Tags: QaR, thinking, imagination, freedom, self

What role do dreams play in your life?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 22:20:45 GMT

Sometimes my dreams really confuse me. I have a tendency to mix up dreams and reality. I'll dream that I've already gone through my day and in my dream I go back to sleep so that when I wake I think it is a day after the one it really is. I'll dream that people do things that they haven't and I'll talk to them about what they did only to find out they didn't really do it as it was just a dream. Usually it's just something silly but it can be very confusing.

Tags: QaR, dreaming, dreams, sleep

What are you doing to do after you answer this?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 02:03:11 GMT

I'll be searching for a song I know by Jason Robert Brown that I can't remember the name of....

Tags: QaR, day, plans, activities, living, life

What was the last thing you made from scratch?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 16:01:29 GMT

Sugar Cookies! mmmmm.

Tags: QaR, crafting, building, backing, cooking, meal, hands

Who, on the whole, do you find happier: children or adults?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:00:15 GMT

Children.

Tags: QaR, happiness, children, adults, happy, emotions, laughter

What does the word 'natural' mean to you?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 12:47:40 GMT

Natural to me means nothing added. No artificial chemicals. no preservatives. no pesticides. It means right from nature. People could debate into infinity how we're supposed to naturally life. The easy answer would be in a cave, hunting for food with a spear, but the world is already too complex for that. Much too complex. I'd love to live in a house in the middle of the woods though. A small house made from natural materials and surrounded by nature. Ibut for now 'm going to go eat breakfast, some organic fruit and head off to class.

Tags: QaR, natural, living, life, organic, naturally

What one person do you wish you could reunite with?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:24:56 GMT

Sometimes I wish I could reunite with my father... othertimes I curse his existence.

Tags: QaR, past, reunion, friends, school, children

What's your favorite creative outlet?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:20:51 GMT

Do I really have to just pick one? I sing. I draw. I do origami. I quilt and cross stitch and dream up stories in my head. I like to write when I have the time. I never have the time. I'm sure there are more.....

Tags: QaR, creativity, creation, passion

What part of your day goes by the most slowly?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 18:42:40 GMT

The part where I'm awake. The sleeping part goes by in a flash.....

The parts of my day that go the slowest are the ones where I'm not doing anything. When I feel like I have nowhere to go or nothing to do. Today I have things to do.. dye my hair red and have my roommate braid it. I've convinced her to do the cute little tight braids. I'm super excited. :o)

Tags: day, time, daily

If a child asked you about God, how would you answer?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 18:39:09 GMT

God is someone that some people believe in to help them through the day. Some people think he has magical powers to help them when they're hurt or in trouble. They call what he does a miracle. They believe him responsible for all of us being here. for you and your brother. for your mom and dad. for lala and grams and me. And they believe that when we leave this place we will go and spend the rest of forever with him.

Tags: God, children, spirituality

Would you rather live in a treehouse or cave?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 19:28:32 GMT

Treehouse. It would be so open. I'd be able to see everything around me. Right now in my dorm room I feel like I live in a cave. I can't stand it. I need things to be more open.

Tags: QaR, cave, treehouse

What, right now, do you most want?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 06:28:26 GMT

Well this is me being a bit selfish.. but a relationship. I want someone to talk to and feel comfortable with. Someone to love and love me back. Someone I can tell everything to. For some reason I'm not good at "attracting" people. Or I attract the wrong people. ::shrug::

Tags: QaR, desire, wanting

When would you prefer to be recognized?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 07:43:47 GMT

I would prefer to be recognized after death. Fame during life is short lived while fame after death creates immortality.

Tags: QaR, recognition, legacy

What has been the biggest coincidence of your life so far?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 02:09:19 GMT

Perhaps the biggest coincidence of my life was the summer after my senior year. I spent a month of that summer in Europe with a choir. I went to Italy, Austria, Germany, Switzerland, France and Luxembourg. While I was in Paris, I went to the Louvre. While I was walking through I passed a girl who looked vaguely familiar. I turned around and said, "Katie?" Turns out it was my cousin's friend who I'd known for years. She had just recently moved to the other side of the US though and I had no clue she was going to be in Europe, or France, or Paris...

Later that same day I was walking along the streets of Paris window shopping. I looked into this one store and all I saw were a pair of shoes that looked way too familiar and way too out of place for me to not turn around. I walked back and looked up. "Emiliano?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm on vacation"
"Oh... Okay." and I walked away. I'd had too much weirdness for that day.

Tags: QaR, coincidence, life, Europe, SoA, Paris, France

Share a memory of your grandparents (or another older friend).

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 03:15:19 GMT

My grandfather on my Mom's side is the only grandparent I've ever actually liked. My grandparent's on my Dad's side are too much like my father for me to care for them. Anyway, my memory is of my mom's dad, Poppi as the grandkids call him.

We were driving home from visiting my cousins in Michigan which was a 12 hour drive. I had fallen asleep in the car and woke up to a rhythimic clicking noise.
"Poppi, what's that clicking?"
"Hmm?"
"Poppi, your blinker is on."
This probably seems like a silly memory to most, but that trip was really pleasant. I got to spend some time with my grandfather and talk to him. He's always been a very loving man, but he grew up in a time when you weren't exactly taught to show love. Hugs were never initiated by him, but I suspect that he was always all too glad to receive them.
He's living up in Michigan now. He was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. I went to visit him in the beginning of the summer. It was hard to see how much he had declined. I left there in tears every night. It was so hard to see my grandfather so angry. It was as if he still had access to his thoughts, but he could not get the words out. He was mad that he was in assisted living. He didn't want to be there, but he wasn't well enough to take care of himself. When he first started to have symptoms, it was after Christmas at my Aunt's house. My Aunt was trying to get him to pack to go home. He got really angry and started screaming that they were trying to kick him out of his house and steal his money. I was a witness to all of it. After he finally went upstairs, my aunt came over to me and told me that was not my grandfather. He's not like that. Now everytime I think of him and remember how angry he is now, I have to stop and remind myself of the good times. Of the orange tic tac's. I miss him tons and as sad as it is.. I wish for him to pass quickly so that he will not have to live this way.

Tags: QaR, aging, grandparents

How has travel affected your life?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 13:34:24 GMT

The summer between high school and college, I went to Europe with a choir. We traveled through Italy, Austria, Germany, Switzerland, France and Luxembourg. I have to say that experience changed how I see things here in the US of A. It was a really good time for me. It was my first time breaking away from the chains in my house that kept me depressed for so long. It was a first for a lot of things actually. It made me realize how small the world really is. I ran into two people I knew in one day while in Paris, neither of which I knew were going to be in the country. Katie, my cousin’s friend who actually lives in California and Emiliano, a kid I’ve gone to school with since at least junior high. I want to live in Europe. Italy if I can. I can’t stand the US or its ego. Right now I’m just pushing my way through school and waiting until I can escape. Morirò ma primo vivrò. I plan on getting that tattooed on the inside of my wrist in the fall. It means, “I will die but first I will live.”

Tags: QaR, travel, life

Did you enjoy school when you were young?

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 02:57:32 GMT

I'm still young.. still in school, so I guess I'll look backwards. I've never had a problem academically with school. In fact I've found the whole idea of it to mostly be a joke. I'm not going to focus on the academic aspect.

    My first memory of school is of kindergarten. My teacher was Mrs. Silverman. She was a sweet older lady who I still look back upon as being sort of a grandmother to me since my mom's mom died before I was born and my dad's mom is crazy.. literally. The only memory I have of kindergarted is of my birthday. My mom and I had baked brownies and she came to school with me and I sat on my teacher's lap as everyone sang me a happy birthday. It's a good memory. I remember liking early elementary school. I felt like I fit in. My mom was the PTA president and always very active in my education when I was little. That quickly became non-existent though when the divorce of my parents forced my mother to go back into the 9 to 5 rat race or in her case the 8 to 7. I think it was third or fourth grade when I began to realize I didn't fit in. I pretended though, all the way up until fifth grade when for some reason social groups became defined. The popular group tried to "draft" me. They were always asking me to eat lunch with them or play with them at recess. Sometimes I accepted, other times I declined. My friend Melanie began to become concerned that I wasn't hanging out with her anymore. She's the only person I ever felt comfortable with. Perhaps because she was as awkward as I felt in those days. I started declining invitations to hang out with the popular kids.

    Soon enough it was time for the transistion to Junior High. I remember parts of my first day very clearly and have completely forgotten others. I remember meeting one of my really good friends that first day. We sat next to each other in homeroom and talked. It turns out we were born only two days apart and in all of the same classes. It was fate. :o) Later that day before gym class a girl approached me and said, "I heard you used to be really popular in elementary school until you became weird." I suppose that's when I started to allow my strangeness to show. I stayed good friends with Melanie in middle school despite us being in different classes and blocks. Then tradgedy struck. An attempted suicide and hospitalization separated me from my friend. I continued through school while her parents had her locked away. Loosing her along with the struggles of my home life dragged me into depression.

    High school was more of the same. I found a group of friends amongst the "freaks" of the school. I dyed my hair various colors; purple, red, orange.. all in an attempt to find myself. I struggled to survive. I was "found out" in ninth grade when I was sent to the school shrink for self destructive behaviour. I ended up in a hospital with a shrink asking me questions trying to find out if I would be "safe" at home. I lied so that I could go home and suceeded but only after agreeing to start taking zoloft. As a result of my new drug, I slept through three days straight. The only thing I remember of that next week was my sister painting my nails. I was excited because the color was heat sensitive and morphed from a purplish black to red. After being a zombie for a week, I stopped taking the drugs and somehow managed to convince my mom to not send me to therapy by promising to stop with my self destruction. And so my struggle continued. My struggle for survival. Somehow I managed to stay in honors classes with A's and B's. My promise to stop self destructing lasted for as long as my mother was checking. Once she stopped I started right up again. Things only seemed to get harder going into my senior year. Depression was hitting me hard and I was not the only one. Home was horrible. My older sister went through multiple suicide attempts. One while away at college and one while she was home on a "break." I still remember the one at home. I was scared to death. She had downed a bottle of Clanazapan(sp?) and was stumbling around like she was drunk. My mom and oldest sister took her to the hospital at like 3am. I couldn't sleep so I went to school. I was a zombie. Staring into space practically in tears the entire day. I had a test in english and I couldn't even think enough to understand the words on the page. I just wrote on the top in possibly the shaky-ist, most concentrated handwriting ever, "My sister is in the ICU can I take this another day?" and handed it in. I got called down to guidance during my next class. I sat there silent in tears. Somehow I made it through that day and so did my sister. Eventually I applied to local colleges and actually got accepted everywhere I applied. Looking back I should have had more confidence in myself and applied to more than just the four local schools that I did.

Regardless, I ended up in a place where I'm happy. I'm away from my family. I'm doing something that I actually feel I'm meant to be doing. Studying biology... I know. I'm a dork. Who in there left mind feels that bio is their calling? I want to go to med school. I've actually been okay in college. I'm away from home. I get to deal with my own problems without someone hovering over my shoulder. I'm sorting out my life and finally figuring out who I am. I finally starting to enjoy school.

I realize now that it was not just school that I hated. It was the feeling of being stuck. I wasn't learning anything. I wanted to progress forward but I couldn't. I was struggling to get through. Struggling to get somewhere I actually wanted to be. I of course and still struggling to get where I want. The only difference now is that I am actually learning things and the things I learn will lead me to where I want to be.

Tags: QaR, school, children

My Experiences and thoughts on Hurricane Katrina

http://yentruck.gaia.com — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 02:24:17 GMT

I've gone down to the gulf to volunteer three times so far and I might be making another trip down at the end of the summer. The first time I went down it was March of '06. That trip emotionally was the hardest of them all. The houses were still wet. You'd walk into a house and the carpet, the furniture, the walls were all completely soaked. Then of course everything that had gotten wet was also covered in mold, and not your everyday shower mold either. This mold was so thick it might as well have been purposely bred in a petri dish. Masks and suits were a must. After we were outfitted with those, we would drag the entire contents of a persons house out into the street and leave it on the curb to be picked up. All of their memories gone in an instant. The ninth ward was even worse. Houses had shifted off their foundations. Some amazingly were left in one piece while others were broken in half and still more were completely destroyed. Their contents were scattered amongst their neighbor's yards. There was this one house I saw that had shifted off its foundation and cracked in half. A large chunk of the outer wall was gone and inside, as if on display, was a dining room table with the chairs still in place around it as if waiting to be set. The fan above was drooping down to meet it. There were cars too. One SUV in particular still haunts me. It was dark blue facing towards the levee. The seats were caked in dry mud. In the back seat a child's teddy bear still buckled in. I fear that people died in the car, trying to escape. All this because of levees not correctly built.

My second trip during January of '07 was a little more upbeat. Perhaps because it was made to a place called Ocean Springs, Mississippi. A place while still hard hit, did not sustain the same stagnant water that New Orleans did. It also did not get water up to the rooftops, because unlike New Orleans, it was not in the center of a bowl. Most of the repair work there was well underway. I spent my time there installing carpeting, painting, distributing food, and other such jobs. I got a chance to talk to some of the survivors during this trip. In fact, I met a little girl in the food distribution center. She was tiny, still a baby really with what looked to be her first pair of shoes. While her father went to meet with a caseworker to see if he was eligible for food, she stayed with me and we played with some toys. She was very shy and barely made a sound the whole time. After her father had gotten some food and they left, the caseworker came out and told me that they had almost lost her. She told me the story of how they had to climb on top of their van to escape the rising water. How she had slipped from his grip and fell in at just 9 months old. How his son and himself had jumped in after her. They were lucky. She was saved and they were rescued. For others, this was not so.

My third trip during March of '07 was back down to New Orleans. The houses once sopping wet were now dry. It was strange for me when I first entered a house. I picked up a cushion expecting it to be weighed down with water and instead it turned to dust in my hands. The houses we entered now were in the ninth ward and they had been left untouched until our presence. There were still refrigerators inside. Can you imagine that? Letting a refrigerator flood with water and then letting it sit for more than a year with all of its contents still inside. That is a smell I will always remember. The ninth ward looked different now. Most of the houses that had obvious structural damage were gone with only the foundations left to prove that they had once existed. There were cinderblocks that used to hold houses lined up in rows like gravestones marking a life lost. This last trip was lucky enough to end on a positive note though. We spent the last day painting a home and the family stopped by. They were an older couple and you could see on their faces the sadness in loosing everything but also the joy that they were about to be able to start over. They’ve moved back in by now.

So those were my trips. As for what I’ve learned, that’s a difficult thing to answer. Unfortunately I’ve learned a lot of bad things. I’ve learned what it is like to have a country fail its people, not only in the levees, but in the way they responded. Our country is more concerned about its war against terror than helping its own people and that greatly saddens me. For what is the point of fighting the "terrorists" if you have no people left to celebrate their defeat. I’ve also learned some good things though and I hope that they will triumph the bad. I’ve learned that a few dedicated people really can make a difference. There are a lot of people down there helping out. I just wish our government had the courage and the strength to do the same instead of hiding behind a war on foreign soil.

I’ve also learned how deceptive the news can be. It shows nothing of the destruction anymore. They just show Mardi Gras and Bourbon Street and tell the public that everything is back to normal. Don’t believe it though. Everything is not back to normal. Only that area is and that is because they were barely affected. I guess I’m officially an activist. I am going to continue to help out down in New Orleans at every opportunity and I will help out elsewhere if the need arises and I have the ability to do so. I’m actually studying pre-med right now with the intention of becoming a doctor and volunteering in countries that really need doctors. My mom thinks I’m crazy, but I just don’t see the point of living in the world if I am unable to make it a better place.

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